Lightly Salted: Satirical Crime Reports



Pitchforks And Knives

Nov. 2, 9:24 a.m., an actual monster of a male student failed to thank a member of the Chartwells staff while buying his breakfast. The student then proceeded to ignore said staff member when they wished him a good day. Suspect was last seen wearing an undeserved air of superiority.

Special Seat In Hell

Nov. 20, 11:02 a.m., an unidentified male student sat in a female student’s unofficial seat, forcing her to sit front and center for the day’s lecture. There will be a reckoning. 

Civic Duty

Nov. 16, 12:52 p.m., a male student with keys in hand walked to his Honda Civic, knowing full well another male student was following in his car in the  hopes of securing the prime parking spot. The suspect proceeded to idle for a short eternity while blasting their radio, then get out and walk back to the Union. Fuck you, too, Civic guy.

Bottle It Up

Nov. 1, 3:16 p.m., a female student threw her plastic bottle away in a trash can located right beside a recycling bin. This isn’t ‘Nam, ma’am. There are rules.

Chip On My Shoulder

Nov. 21, 10:34 a.m., a male student attempted to “quietly” eat a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos for the duration of a lecture. A moment of silence for our collective wills to live. 

We’re All In This Together (Unfortunately)

Nov. 8, 9:13 a.m., a professor announced that the class final will be a group project. Groups will be graded as a whole rather than individually. The suck is strong in this one.

Eyes On The Road

Nov. 11, 5:39 p.m., a female student walked all the way across the law building and Garvey parking lots without using the sidewalks. Witnesses say the suspect was texting as she cavalierly stepped into heavy traffic. Cha cha real smooth the heck outta here.

Wrap It Up

Nov. 27, 8:25 a.m., a Chartwells employee served a precariously wrapped breakfast burrito, which promptly fell apart in a male student’s hands. His coffee was not the bitterest part of breakfast.  

Captive Audience

Nov. 2, 11:18 a.m., a male student monopolized the class discussion with irrelevant commentary. No, no, please go on. We’re all paying $281 per credit hour to hear YOUR hot take on the day’s reading, not the dude with the doctorate. 

Out Of Sink

Nov. 5, 7:29 p.m., a fight broke out between two female suite mates over a sink of dirty dishes. Reports say one of the suspects had half-assed rinsed a plate covered in cheese quesadilla residue before leaving it to solidify over the weekend. In response, the second suspect placed the crusty dish on her suite mate’s bed dirty side down. Both heathens were referred to their mothers. 

Sweet Erase Of Death

Nov. 16, 10:11 a.m., a professor haphazardly erased his notes on a white board, but still left a few stray ink marks behind for the class to stare at for an hour. Some men just want to watch the world burn. 

Sour Note

Nov. 15, 7:35 a.m., a female student was unable to enter Garvey’s music practice rooms which should have been unlocked by 7 a.m. Again. WUPD made the harrowing five minute trek to rectify the situation 40 minutes later. The question on the public’s mind: Why are you the way that you are?