WU Words: I am not a good person…

I am not a good person.

I’ve lied.

I’ve stolen.

I’ve hurt people.

People I love.

My friends.

My family.

And worst of all…

I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.

I’ve lied. To my parents, telling them I was spending the night at a friend’s house, when I was really sitting in the school parking lot in the middle of the night with my best friend telling her all the reasons she had to live, begging her to stay with me, because I couldn’t imagine life without her. And I’d do it again.

I’ve hurt people. My friends when I just won’t leave until they promise that they will still be there the next morning. When all they want to do was push me away, I just held on tighter. And I hurt them when they told me that all they wanted to do was die, and that I just couldn’t understand. To which I replied “Try me” as I rolled up my sleeves revealing my own cry for help carved into my skin. She hugged me and whispered through her tears, “Why didn’t you tell me?” To which I had no answers. But at that time, she didn’t need someone to say that they understood, she needed someone to show her that they understood. To show her that she was not alone. And because of that, I’d do it again.

I hurt my mother when I stopped going to church. Not because I stopped believing. But because I felt like an outsider. How could I go when I felt all eyes burning on me, seemingly saying “You’re going to hell because of who you love.” My presence was just another lie. But I’d break my mother’s heart if I told her the truth, heaven knows I’ve done that enough for one lifetime. I can’t be my mother’s daughter, and be gay. So to keep a straight face, I lie. And I’d do it again.

I’ve stolen. Medical supplies from my mom, so that I could bandage up the cuts that my friend made on her wrists again. And I’ve stolen from my best friend. I took her knives and razor blades, when she wasn’t looking I snuck them into my pocket, the knives wouldn’t fit though, so I put them inside my jacket. They scratched and cut my skin, when I got home my side was bloody. But I’d do it again.

So yes…

I’ve lied.

And I’ve stolen.

And I’ve hurt people.

But, I am not a bad person.