Lucy, Raj’s girlfriend in The Big Bang Theory, does that multiple times. She keeps getting bangs not because she likes them, but because she can’t bring herself to tell the hairdresser she doesn’t. It’s funny and sad at the same time.

Now let me ask you this: how many of you have agreed to do something just because saying no seemed much harder than actually doing the thing? Maybe you did your friend’s work in a group project. Maybe you covered a shift for a colleague when you were already overwhelmed. Maybe you agreed to go on a vacation when all you really wanted was to go home and turn on Netflix. We’ve all had our own version of “the bangs.”

So why is it so hard to say no?

First, there’s social adaptation. We’re raised to be part of society and saying no often feels like being disagreeable and being disagreeable is usually not rewarded. In many Asian cultures, saying no, especially to elders, is taken as a sign of disrespect. In much of Europe, no just means no, nothing personal. The U.S. is somewhere in between: you can say no, but how you say it matters almost as much as the no itself.

Then there’s the generational angle. Older generations often grew up in more hierarchical systems, where saying no to authority wasn’t really an option. Millennials are stuck in the middle. They’re more aware of boundaries, but still deeply trained to be nice, helpful and agreeable. Gen Z seems more comfortable setting boundaries, sometimes very bluntly, but they also avoid conflict in other ways, like ghosting. Different styles, same underlying tension: nobody wants to be the difficult one.

Whatever nuanced meaning the word “no” carries across cultures and generations, one thing is worth remembering: saying no is not automatically disrespect, it’s just a boundary you set for yourself. It’s a form of self-care.

Dr. Gabor Maté, Canadian physician and author, talks a lot about how ignoring your own needs shows up later as anxiety, resentment and burnout. When you constantly override yourself to keep other people comfortable, your body keeps the score. That’s where people-pleasing comes in.

That’s why saying yes to avoid short-term stress often creates long-term stress. You dodge one awkward moment, but you sign yourself up for weeks of resentment. Sari Gilman, author of Transform Your Boundaries, puts it this way: “Remember, you are the only one who can take care of yourself.”

So how do we actually learn this essential life skill?

In cultures where saying no is seen as rude, people often lean on the “delayed yes”, that is  agreeing to do something and then eventually not doing it. That’s one way: no confrontation, no conflict, right? But it’s messy, and it builds mistrust. A clearer approach is to use boundary-setting language like, “I can’t do this right now,” or a conditional yes: “I can do it, if,” or “only if.” The key is to make it clear that the no is not about them, but about you, your time and your priorities. That’s where setting boundaries comes in, and that takes practice and some inner work.

One exercise that might help with setting a clear boundary is journaling through the week: Where did I say yes when I really wanted to say no? Why did I do it? How did it make me feel afterward? Dr. Maté talks about this kind of awareness as the first step to changing patterns. You can’t set boundaries if you don’t even notice when you’re crossing your own.

But here’s the part you have to be careful about: Have you ever almost said no to something that turned out to be one of the best experiences of your life. So don’t forget to say yes to that hike or that mountain climbing. OK, you don’t have to take it to that extreme. Maybe…. just try matcha. Maybe you’ll like it, maybe you won’t. The point is to stay open to experience while still respecting your limits.

So be mindful of your yes and no. Yes, to the experience that pushes you out of your comfort zone. No, to the ones that push your boundary.

Remember, saying no isn’t being unkind to others. It’s often being kinder to yourself.

Because if you don’t have the skill to say no, you’ll keep getting bangs, until one day, you eventually forget you never really liked bangs in the first place.

Edited by Bidhya Sapkota and Anushma Dahal