Like British teeth, U.S. soccer is ugly

corey garriott

Write this down, burn it into your skull, chisel it into your first born son: The only way a soccer player will become famous in America – besides playing the part of a tool – is to kick pigskins through uprights.

Soccer overseas is terrific; in America it’s horrific.

Granted, players overseas fall down if a fly sneezes on them, but the play is still wonderful and skillful.

And, naturally, the tool mentioned above is David look-at-me Beckham.

However, I have an idea for him if he really wants to make an impact in American sports, and it stems from an Ichabod football player.

Washburn’s Kyle O’Neal played high school soccer in Topeka at Washburn Rural where he was all-city, all-league, all-region and all-state. He now handles kicking duties for the Ichabods; proof enough it’s possible to learn to kick a ball over a crossbar rather than under.

He acquitted himself decent enough in Saturday’s opener vs. Chadron State, going 1 for 2 on field goals and 3 of 3 on extra point attempts. The made attempt was 36 yards. The miss was on a block that wasn’t his fault; the middle of the line collapsed like the walls of Jerico and he had no chance of getting the ball over the line unmolested.

Nonetheless, if Beckham were to attempt the same thing, his stay in America might actually be worth something. What Beckham can legitimately do for U.S. soccer, though, I don’t know.

America’s soccer prodigy Freddy Adu has already defected to Portugal because his coaches in the U.S. apparently misused him.

The youngest player in Major League Soccer history, drafted No. 1 overall in 2004 at the age of 14 and signed to a $1 million contract, has left U.S. soil because it is tainted with mediocre soccer. And a $250 million tool called the “Beckham” is supposed to save American soccer? He plays (I use the term loosely) for the L.A. Galaxy with a sparkling 3-9-5 record.

That’s like trying to improve a pile of crap with fool’s gold – it might shine more – but it’s still worth nothing and reeks of a cow’s finest work.

The same comparison could be said of Beckham and American soccer as a whole.

I’m not against soccer; I like soccer. Heck, I even used to play it. But we are only kidding ourselves if we think Beckham will have any lasting impact on the MLS or soccer in the U.S.

If Pele, the Michael Jordan of the world, couldn’t do it, how can Beckham? He should just go back to England and drink tea.