God must be smitten with me, for I am not smote.

North Carolina and Michigan State will match up tonight in the National Championship in Detroit. North Carolina seems to be the favorite. However, Michigan State’s new defensive scheme may turn the tides: 300 Spartans.

THIS…. IS…. EIGHT MILE!!!

Denver Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler was traded to the Chicago Bears after a long stretch of melancholy and boo hooing. In return, the Bears shipped former Purdue quarterback Kyle Orton to the Mile High City. In retaliation, Rex Grossman crossed his arms and pouted, so expect a trade sometime soon.

Danica Patrick crashed again in the season-opening Honda Grand Prix, this time with rookie Raphael Matos. In further news, Patrick’s optometrist has just been fired. Coincidentally, he is a NASCAR fan.

Man Law requires that I make a sexist quip right here about women and their inability to drive, but I refuse. I’m sure Danica is actually a really great driver and… oh, she just wrecked again? Screw it.

Louisville knocked off one-seed Oklahoma in the Women’s Final Four on Sunday night. Nothing is better for recruiting than making your star player pay back four years worth of her scholarship. Good luck with the WNBA, Courtney Paris.

Wonder if Paris will promise her future team national television time? Wouldn’t gamble the house on this one, Courtney.

Chad Ocho Cinco will reportedly lose $250,000 (or about four times Courtney Paris’ college education) for not showing up to the offseason workout program for the Cincinnati Bengals.

Ocho Cinco had a horrible season last year, including 53 catches, 540 yards, four touchdowns and one ridiculous name change. The Bengals finished 4-11-1. On a related topic, we’re in a recession.

Former New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress, who accidentally shot himself in a club while wearing sweatpants, made his presence felt at the Final Four. According to ESPN.com, Burress, whose next court case for gun possession is June 15, “laughed and mugged for pictures following the Spartans’ semifinal victory over Connecticut.” Better get used to those mugshots, Plax.

“Don’t drop the soap” jokes are even funnier for wide receivers.

Former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, who spent some quality jailtime in Kansas for dog fighting charges, will reportedly work a construction job after leaving prison for $10 an hour. Finally, Vick is going to realize that he’s living in a dog-eat-dog world.

What, too soon?