In order to make room for the construction of the recently approved new residence hall and dining facility, certain sacrifices had to be made.

The most noticeable of said sacrifices saw the obliteration of Parking Lot 2, located behind Stoffer Science Hall. Access to Parking Lot 1 has also been restricted.

The changes, which will last for the duration of the construction project – an estimated 16 months – have been a cause for concern amongst a number of students.

With the lack of on-campus parking already a point of frustration, closing what many considered to be premium parking real estate has only intensified the daily dog fight for the last open spot.

As the chorus of bickering from students, plagued with sore feet and aching backs caused by the treacherous hike from car to campus, echoed across university grounds, officials sat down and came up with a solution.

To ensure that each and every student is afforded the right to park within a reasonable distance to their destination, officials have decided to turn the entire campus into a giant parking lot.

The plan, while controversial, will see every building on campus razed to make way for more than 70,000 freshly paved parking spaces, complete with bright and bold yellow lines to help guide students into their spot.

The extra parking will guarantee students, faculty, staff and visitors easy access to classes and events throughout the year. Due to the lack of physical structures, exactly where those classes and events will be held has yet to be determined.

However, a committee has been formed that will appoint a committee to address this issue.

While the Review has made no attempt to contact anyone for a comment on the plan, one official has come forward with a statement.

“We’re no fools,” said April Day, Director of Parking Lots and Pavement. “We know what the students want and that’s exactly what we’re going to give them.”

Ryan Ogle, [email protected], wishes you all a happy April Fools’ Day