Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on Tuesday, March 10, 1959.
Every year I receive hundreds of letters from young men and women who, for one reason or another, have never found the one person with whom they would like to settle down to the grubby business of marriage. Most of these people have no serious physical or personality defects and could have married long ago, but they preferred to wait until they were sure they had found the person who was exactly right for them.
Until recently there was no absolutely foolproof way to predict the outcome of a marriage. True, we have had little prepared tests which help the marriage counselors determine for their clients if it is wise for a lady parsnip eater to marry a strict, dyed-in-the-wool eggplant man, but at best, marriage has been a risky business, and choosing the person who will, from time to time accidentally use your toothbrush is not an act to be performed haphazardly.
Realizing the great need for a positive method of mate choosing, I began the research which eventually led to the forming of what I call the Knuckle Mesh Theory.
The Knuckle Mesh Theory, when properly understood and practiced, can solve practically any problem(except when to use “who” and when to use “whom”). To help you understand the Knuckle Mesh Theory, I will ask you to join me in performing a simple experiment: just lie down on your cute little tummy and get comfortable – there now. First close your hands tightly, making fists. Notice that the knuckles now appear as cogs. Place the knuckle cogs of one fist in the knuckle cogs of the other fits. If they mesh, you can stop worrying.
And don’t tell me you haven’t been worrying. In these troubled times when death and destruction, rape, pillage and arson (not to mention TV) threaten on all sides, who are you to sit back and say that you’re not worried? Well stop worrying! If your knuckles mesh, everything will work out for you.
If your knuckles do not mesh, it usually means on of two things: you have a split personality, or (ugh) you have someone else’s hand (the latter of which I prefer not to even think about).
Now that you understand the mechanical procedure of knuckle meshing, let’s get back to choosing a mate.
The object of the game is to find one of the opposite sex who’s knuckles mesh perfectly with yours. It is extremely important to be meshing (not to be confused with mashing) with the opposite sex. Otherwise, people would start saying things like “There goes Hermie’s new girl friend, isn’t he cute?”
Finding the right girl or boy may take quite a bit of looking, but if you conscientiously try to mesh with every girls or boy you meet, I can almost guarantee that you will find the right one. And I CAN guarantee that you will have a heck of a good time looking.
Of course, a few wrinkles remain to be ironed out. Some people may object to rubbing knuckles with perfect strangers (or imperfect strangers, for that matter) and there will always be the girl who says, “Get chur damn filthy knuckles off me,” but as soon as the theory is universally accepted most of these difficulties will be eliminated.
Well, if you are ready to give the theory a try now, just step up to the first person you meet, clinch your first fist, and BANGO – you’re in love – or out cold. In either instance, my lawyer assures me that I am not liable.