After watching “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest,” I thought of two things: number one, what happened to the ending and number two, I want to be a pirate. Arrgghh! After watching “Invincible” it told me number two was plausible. Stick with me here, I swear I haven’t been juicing. BALCO hasn’t entered the journalism world yet, well at least not that way.
Just like Dick Vermeil with the Eagles, I am officially starting a campaign to request Al Davis, owner of the Raiders, hold open tryouts for the head coach position. That’s right, I don’t want to be just a pirate, I want to be a Raider.
Now Al, don’t go choking on a cigar yet. I know you just hired one of Pete Carol’s assistants to take over, but this is just something to look forward to after the position opens again next year.
Just think of the publicity, a fan from the stands to coaching a NFL team. We’ll be all over…ESPN’s “Pardon the Interruption,” “Around the Horn,” Wheaties boxes, who knows I may finally get my minute on “Burning” with Rome. You’ll make history, Al…we’ll make history.
What qualifications? I have plenty of qualifications. I’ve been known to play a mean game of Madden 07 in my day. That’s right, I know how to out coach one of the best coaches you’ve had in franchise history. Of course I’ve never played with the Raiders, but I’m sure the option offense will work in the NFL. At least with me at the joysticks…
But hey, what does coaching experience matter, when you finish a season 2-14? What matters is winning in division play. As an ex-Chief fan (I gave up – when you can’t win with Montana, you can’t win with anyone), I know the key to success in this division. When we play the Chargers, I’ll just get my reporter friends to write about how our match-up is the equivalent of a playoff game. With Marty Schottenheimer still coaching we’re guaranteed two wins. Denver and Kansas City stop the run, cross your fingers, and wait for them to screw up, and then make your move. LSU’s JaMarcus Russell to Randy Moss? How can you go wrong?
Plus I’m your stereotypical Al Davis coach, Al! That’s right I’m fashionably overweight…Madden, Callahan, Shell. Just like you I look fashionable in a jump suit and aviators, well at least my mom thinks so. Believe it or not jump suits are not the most respectable thing a person can wear around the city of Topeka.
Most importantly I’m young, the youngest person ever to take a head coach position. The Raiders and Nathan Miller are guaranteed a Disney movie. They’ll call it “The Fan,” I know it’s taken but who remembers that Wesley Snipes movie. Danny Devito as Nathan Miller. We’ll figure out which Raider cheerleader I’ll fall in love with later.
As a side note, whoever is rooting for the Colts this weekend, I hope your chips go stale, your drinks go flat and your pizza man can’t deliver on time. Go Bears!