What quantifies a sport?
Is it physical exertion? Does it require specialized equipment? Does it require competition with an ultimate objective? Or is it just the presence of a little spherical-shaped object that goes through, over, around or into something?
I think some of the greatest sports fall through the cracks when defining a sport.
For example, hunting rabbits in a 4×4 truck…with no gun. All you need is a lead foot and a trash bag – the simplicity is a pint of Guinness draft stout…brilliant!
Another underappreciated sport is the gallon of milk challenge. Folklore has it that it’s impossible to drink a gallon of milk in under an hour without throwing it up as cottage cheese. Unfortunately, as far as I can tell, it’s true.
Truck jousting may not be an Olympic sport, but it should be (I mean come on, trampoline jumping?). Two trucks drive side-by-side with a person in each truck bed knocking the snot out of each other with objects of their choice. The winner is declared by the amount of teeth remaining (assuming there were some there to begin with).
Extreme sports have been on the brink of mainstream sports for awhile. One extreme sport is bungee jumping, something most people consider to be hardcore. A lesser known extreme sport is a spin off of that – horizontal bungee jumping. Just strap in and hook yourself to a tree of some sort. Propel yourself forward by holding onto the back of a moving truck and let go.
For those who are a little less extreme, there’s always shotgun bowling. Simply set up 10 pins at a distance and shoot. Rules are the same as bowling, minus everything that makes bowling, umm…well, bowling.
If misuse of fire arms isn’t your thing, perhaps then a flour grenade war may be in the cards. Unfold a napkin, pour a generous amount of flour onto it, wrap the napkin around it and tie it off with a rubber band. Repeat many times. Then go out to a field with friends, pretend they are Rosie and the Trump and annihilate each other. A word of caution: When it rains, the flour sticks and you’ll look like you baked yourself.
If none of these sports float your boat, then you could probably sink it with the shotgun and stick to the more mainstream sports. After all, none of these sports have been approved by PETA, the FDA, lawyers, psychiatrists, the Olympic committee or anyone in particular, for that matter. I hold no accountability for anyone attempting this stuff and bad things happening, but I will probably partake.
Because let’s face it, the day these become actual sports, the terrorists will have won and Republicans will be allowed to hold office again.