A Secularist holiday

Ben Fitch

The holidays are the quintessential time of year when people all around the world assemble their familial units and pay homage to some deity, be it the Hindu Krishna (blue, multiple arms), the Islamic Allah or Xenu (scientology.) Then there is the flying spaghetti monster, which is worshiped by followers of the church of the flying spaghetti monster—commonly known as Pastafarianism.

But secularism, a widely observed practice in the United States, is indifferent to or excludes religion. The common misconception, however, is that the secularists are atheists.

Not true.

In fact, secularists believe in the deity, Santa Clause. This figure is characterized by a hyper extended abdomen and red suit. It is believed that he traverses the world in one night, Dec. 25, to deliver gifts to every house on the planet. Secularists say he sensually slides down each chimney to put presents, wrapped in colorful paper, under a juniper tree.

The juniper tree is a secularist symbolic representation of Santa Clause’s sacrifice—when he died on the cross for our sins. This symbolism is akin to the Jewish menorah.

The story of Santa Clause has a rich, vibrant history. It is said that this person lives at the North Pole with a colony of elves. Zelda nerds might recognize the head elf, Link. It is also believed that Santa Clause has flying reindeer, which he purchased off a black market in Somalia.

There are many opponents to secularist beliefs, such as environmentalists, who do not condone the cutting down of trees—unless they are marijuana trees, because most environmentalists are also hippies.

So this holiday season, individuals around the world will gather with people they have little in common with besides limited genetic variability and celebrate. Some will celebrate the birth of a carpenter, and others a lit oil lamp. And some, like the secularists, will put their socks on a mantle and watch a juniper tree die in their living room.

Editors note: Marijuana is actually a shrubbery, not a tree.