Friend Fatima: No longer keeping a secret.

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Q: I’ve been with this girl for a while now and we’ve kind of kept it on the down low because I’m a girl too, but I want to be more than a secret and I’m not sure how to tell her that or how she will react. I don’t want to scare her off or pressure her into coming out too soon, but I also don’t want to feel like a dirty little secret. 

 A: The great part about being a college student is we are not in high school anymore. The fact that people still worry about how others will view them is something I cannot understand. You should not have to hide who you are because someone isn’t comfortable with themselves. I understand maybe doing it in the beginning to ease them into it, but how much longer would you be willing to sit through being a secret? 

You are obviously more comfortable and confident with yourself than she is and by hiding who you are you’re not allowing yourself to grow as a person. You’re actually taking steps backward. I know how important this person may be to you but you shouldn’t have to give up what you want in order to satisfy someone else. You both should meet somewhere in the middle, one that satisfies you both. 

You shouldn’t pressure someone to do something they aren’t comfortable with, but you also shouldn’t be with someone who wants different things than you do. If you just sit back and not say anything, your relationship most likely won’t succeed. You have to communicate what you’re feeling otherwise nothing will change. Talk to her and let her know you care about her, but you don’t want to be a secret anymore. If she can’t understand that then is she really worth being with? 

Stop worrying about how she will react or what she wants and just do what feels right to you. Don’t lose sleep over how you are feeling; tell her how you are feeling. You may not realize it at first, but you will feel so much better and free once you finally get it off your chest. 

A relationship should be equal parts regardless of the situation. Yes, she is not comfortable “coming out” but you are not comfortable staying in either. Without that equal communication, your relationship will always feel “off”. The best thing you can do is just tell her what you want and how you are feeling. You never know, she might want to be more, too, and needs that little push to help her.        

More importantly, never question yourself when it comes to something you want. You shouldn’t worry about how people will react or think because if you are not happy and they are, you are just living a lie. If you are important to them they will respect your feelings and support you regardless. You can’t help how you feel but you can help how you live with it.